“It Never Hurts to Smile” by Mike Rosen

English Words and Philosophical Odd Thoughts

A couple of weeks ago, I had a Facebook exchange with Jere and Claudia regarding disappointment in finding the word “irregardless” in dictionaries.  Irregardless is a word long hated by English language aficionados, but it has a legitimate history having first appeared in the Charleston, South Carolina, City Gazette & Daily Advertiser in 1795 and has appeared in dictionaries since the early 1900’s where it is usually referred to as non-standard usage.  But, nonetheless, the word is listed and accepted.

As much as the word makes many cringe, language—and perhaps especially American English—is a living entity with words seemingly being introduced daily. Some words stand the test of time. Of those that do, a number become acceptable through usage and find a home in reputable dictionaries. Conversely (in some cases, thankfully), many words drop out of sight almost as quickly as they came in or, in some instances, after generations of popularity. (When was the last time you heard someone use the words “gobbledygook,” “dungarees,” or “golly”?)

There are times—unfortunately, far too often—I awaken in the middle of the night and stare at the ceiling just pondering on words, how they are used, and of the philosophical roads they can lead me down. Allow me to illustrate:

If men are from Mars and women from Venus, how did we end up on Earth?

Can overweight people go skinny-dipping?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

If heaven is up and hell is down, are we living in purgatory?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat with the buttered side facing outward, and then dropped the cat from a height, which side would it fall on?

So what if I don’t know exactly what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.

If there’s a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, what’s at the beginning of one?

Why is fridge spelled with a “d” when there isn’t a “d” in refrigerator?

Why can’t I imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?

Why are they called sideburns when they’re named after Ambrose Burnside?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

Why is vanilla ice cream white if vanilla extract is brown?

Speaking of ice cream, why doesn’t anybody make grape ice cream?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

How can a product be “new and improved?” If it’s new, what was it improving on?

Which orange came first, the color or the fruit?

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Should General Foods stop discriminating and make Trix cereal freely available to all, and not just for kids?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

If the sky is the limit, is space over the limit (and is that punishable)?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over?”

When French people swear in polite company, do they say “pardon my English?”

While I’m killing time am I damaging eternity?

If a tree falls in a forest and a nearby deaf person doesn’t hear it, is there an implied philosophical dilemma?

Why are toadstools so named when toads are much too large to sit on them?

If white wine goes with fish, should I serve white grapes with sushi?

Last, but not least,

You know how people say that there’s always one in every crowd? If you took all the ones in every crowd and put them in another crowd, would there be one in that crowd?

OK, Jere and Claudia, let this list keep you awake tonight!

the list tickled my funny bone.

However, in reading through the list, I noticed a couple that applied to occupations. To wit,

“At my first job I was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn’t concentrate.”

“Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.”

I immediately stopped laughing. Why did these two fail to amuse me? Frankly, they reminded me of my own checkered career path. Over fifty-five years, I have had a number of widely different jobs and aspirations. Allow me to illustrate:

My high school guidance counselor urged me to become a statistician, but really, what were the odds that would have worked out?

For a short time during the school year, I delivered peanuts for a shell organization.

When I was in college, I wanted to be a writer, but words escaped me.

For most of my life I wanted to become a baker, but could never rise to the challenge.

I tried driving a taxi, but couldn’t hack it.

It never worked out for me to become a fitness trainer.

After many years of trying to find a suitable career, I finally got a job as a historian. But that ended when I realized there was no future in it.

I worked hard to start a telephone ministry, but never got the call.

I applied for a job as a casino dealer, but it wasn’t in the cards.

Unfortunately, my career as an ammunition factory worker didn’t end with a bang.

My mother hoped I would take over my father’s Thom McAn store, but I couldn’t fill his shoes.

I could have nailed a career as a carpenter, but a contractor saw through me.

The summer before my senior year in college I applied at Gold’s Gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

I worked as a paleontologist until I became bone tired.

My hope was to be a musician, but I eventually learned I wasn’t noteworthy.

There was never enough time for me to become a watchmaker.

I tried being a tailor, but I wasn’t suited for it–mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working as a barista, but had to quit because I got tired of the daily grind.

I quit my last job as an assembly line tester in a muffler factory because I found the work was too exhausting.

So, I tried retirement and, imagine this, it suits my skills and talents perfectly!

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