The third tenet of our Congregational Covenant is: Speak with care and loving kindness.
Sounds like the Golden Rule – right? Speak to others the way you would like them to speak to you…
It’s important, I think, that the tenets of our Covenant list “listening” before “speaking” – I hope everyone read Jen Munro’s reflection on the second tenet (Listen deeply and appreciatively) in the October 3rd Wednesday News. The old saying, we have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak. Seriously, it’s impossible to speak with care and loving kindness if we haven’t listened deeply and appreciatively.
Reminds me of a great button I found at General Assembly years ago. It shows three questions to ask yourself before you speak; the questions overlay the image of two hands reaching up to form the shape of a chalice. A beautiful image representing reaching out with love and caring; offering a helping hand.
The questions on the button are:
- Is it true?
- Is it kind?
- Will it help?
If you were at the Covenant service on September 30th, you heard me reflect on the difference between truth and fact. Truth is subjective and personal, and may not be the same for the person you’re addressing as it is for you; therefore, speak with “I” statements – after all, the only truth you can share is your own.
To be kind you must speak with clarity. In her book Dare to Lead, Brene Brown states that to be “clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Most of us avoid clarity because, we tell ourselves, that we’re being kind, when what we’re actually doing is being unkind and unfair. Feeding people half-truths, i.e., not being vulnerable and sharing our truth, is unkind. Being unclear defeats real communication, resulting in disappointment and confusion.
Truth and kindness can lead to a useful conversation, even if it’s tough. Showing up with an open heart and mind allows you to serve each other, not just your own ego. Armoring up and protecting our egos rarely leads to productive, kind and respectful conversations.
Elizabeth Santoro, Covenant Tenders Team