Edward Murphy Was A U.U.!
This week, I begin with a safe generalization: Each one of us is familiar with Murphy’s Law, which is, of course, “If anything can go wrong, it will.” Mr. Murphy’s eponymous law generated scores, if not hundreds, of corollaries and additional laws, many of which form the basis for my belief that Edward Murphy was a Unitarian Universalist.
To support my belief, consider the following laws and see if each one doesn’t make you say, “Oh, yeah, a U.U. would definitely say that!” (Any names resembling folks you might know is absolutely coincidental.)
Belanger’s Hierarchy Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Pendergast’s Law of Road Travel: The first bug to mess up your freshly cleaned windshield will do so in your line of vision.
Hadley’s Laws of clothing shopping:
- If you like it, they don’t have it in your size.
- If you like it and it’s in your size, it doesn’t fit anyway.
- If you like it and it fits, you can’t afford it.
- If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it will tear or get stained the first time you wear it.
Bowen’s Principle: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Corollary: The hidden flaw never stays hidden for long.
Schultes’ Relational Rule: A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Reverend Servatus’ Laws of Ministry:
- If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
- If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
- If the orders of service are in short supply, attendance will exceed all expectations.
- If the bride and groom have written their own marriage vows and have not given the minister a copy, they will discover ten minutes before the service that their copy of the vows has mysteriously disappeared.
Berkham’s Rule of Assigned Tasks: There’s no time like the present for postponing what you don’t want to do. The Sunday New York Times is printed for a reason.
Francese’s Laws of Toddlers:
- When you need to carry a child, they will want to walk.
- When you want them to walk, they will want to be carried.
- When you bring the stroller, they will want to walk.
- When you forget the stroller, they will want to ride.
Armen’s Law of Brilliance: Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Axelrod’s Plausibility Dictum: Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Zeno’s Law of Automotive Probability: If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
Strieff’s Inevitability Principle: The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
And, finally, my personal favorite:
Michael’s Marital Mental Meandering: “The probability of forgetting something my wife asked me to do is in direct proportion to … to … to …”
This week’s Street Advertising Smile:
