Happy Mother’s Day
With this Sunday being Mother’s Day, I’ve been thinking about my mother and the many things she said to me as I was growing up, presumably intended to make me a better person. So much for good intentions.
There is of course, the old joke, “I asked my mother if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.” It isn’t a joke I can tell, because my mother never would have said that about me. However, there are many other things she could have said – and many that she did – that fall into the “why did I have you?” category.
Many of the positive things my mother said to me were, let me be blunt, absolute lies and may likely echo in your minds in your own mothers’ voices. For example:
“Sitting too close to the TV will ruin your eyes.”
“Red meat is good for you.”
“If you swallow the apple seeds, a tree will grow in your stomach.”
“Cracking your knuckles will give you arthritis.”
“The music means he’s out of ice cream.”
And the biggest lie Mom ever said to me (and, dope that I am, I always fell for this one):
“If you tell me the truth, you won’t get into trouble.”
And so, I began wondering what lies are being told by today’s mothers of young children. A brief investigation revealed these:
“The school calls me when you don’t eat your sandwich.”
“There are no cartoons on at night because that’s when the characters sleep.”
“No, this isn’t a brownie. It’s a breakfast bar and it has lots of protein and fiber and even broccoli and spinach in it. Do you want one?”
“Babies come from the Internet and the baby sister you want is on back order. Amazon doesn’t know when or if the stock will be refilled.”
“Chuck E. Cheese’s is only for birthday parties. It’s the law and you have to be invited to a birthday party to go there.”
It can’t be easy being a mother. I have often listened to the daily struggles they deal with and the juggling they have to do that friends of mine who are mothers of young children (many of whom are single moms) live with to raise the children, hold a job, keep up with household responsibilities, and maintain their sanity. Wondering again, this time about what mothers say today to themselves and their closest friends, led me to these discoveries:
“I don’t want to sleep like a baby; I want to sleep like my husband.”
“My kid is turning out to be exactly like me. Well played, Karma. Well played.”
“At bedtime my children turn into dehydrated philosophers who need a hug.”
“There’s that moment when my two-month old baby is sleeping, and I wonder if it’s possible to take a nap in the shower while eating lunch.”
“Sure, sometimes I question my parenting. But to be honest, sometimes, I question my child’s childing.”
“I love when the kids tell me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a sink full of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time.”
“Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is suspicious.”
As young parents will learn, one day you find yourself looking at responsible adults and are amazed at just how quickly the years passed. It’s a struggle to remember the last diaper you changed, held a tissue while they blew their nose, attended a PTA meeting, or offered a shoulder to a broken heart. And so I will close with some of my mother’s bon mots, a few of which made no sense to this child, but were never questioned:
“Be grateful for what you have.”
“Treat others the way you want to be treated.”
“Remember that you can never be too kind.”
“Manners are free and people will judge you by your etiquette.”
“If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all.”
“You can’t empty the ocean with a spoon.”
“Eggs always think they’re smarter than the chickens.”
“If a horse had something to say, it would talk.”
“If people could hire others to die for them, the poor could make a nice living.”
“You’re making an elephant out of a fly.”
“You’ll understand me when you can see your own ears.”
“You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”
Now, this last one got me into trouble. I was eleven or twelve and subconsciously experimenting with pushing the envelope. When my mother told this to me I responded, “Why would I want a handful of flies?” That remark earned me an order not to be a wise guy and, as I walked away, a barely contained chuckle. Wherever you are, Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. And, thanks.
This week’s Street Advertising Smile: 