Remember Marcia and Fred!
(Full disclosure: my better two-thirds, Susan, inspired this column)
As the corona virus pandemic continues, and most of us adhere to staying in our homes almost all of the time, I’ve noticed that we’ve been ignoring a silent minority of sufferers. Not just you and me, but the media has ignored it, both the state and federal governments have ignored this group, even the UUSC has turned a blind eye and I, for one, must raise my voice in support and protest. The sadly overlooked group I refer to is, of course, the seagulls.
Several times a week I venture out to my local Dunkin’ for an afternoon cuppa joe from the drive-through area. After getting my coffee one day this past week, I pulled over to the store’s parking lot to use an alcohol pad to wipe down the cup and lid (just playing it safe) and was all but finished when my eyes were drawn to a row of six seagulls perched on the edge of the roof of a tool and die business next door.
This is not an unusual sight. For decades I have seen these scavengers not only at the beaches, but also outside fast-food restaurants, supermarket parking lots, bowling alleys, movie theaters, etc., where they wait for people to toss anything even remotely edible—I’m certain you’ve seen them, as well. Throw a bit of a bagel, part of a donut, some leftover French fries, and the seagulls will pounce on the food, fighting each other for every morsel.
But these half-dozen seagulls-–I will refer to them as the Suffering Six—just sat, looking as forlorn as seagulls can look, because no one has been tossing their edible detritus to them. It was a mournful sight, especially the two that were sitting with their heads down a little bit away from the others. I imagined their conversation:
“Damn, Fred, I’m hungry! Where is everybody?”
“I dunno, Marcia. I guess they’re all staying inside these days because of the corona virus.”
“The what?”
“The corona virus. It’s a new strain that’s caused a pandemic and people are avoiding going outside to keep from getting it.”
“A pandemic? I hadn’t heard.”
“We’ve had this conversation before, Marcia. You’ve got to start following the news. All these people staying inside means no one is throwing food away.”
“So we have to suffer? Can’t the government help?”
“There’s been a stimulus package but, go figure, seagulls weren’t included. Of course, even if the feds sent us $1200 each, we couldn’t spend it on food.”
“Why not?”
“We’re behind in our nest rental.”
At this point, in my mind their voices morphed into a very pleasant memory that many of you will appreciate. For those who don’t, check out YouTube. Here I refer to the late, great comic genius, Red Skelton, who did some gags about two seagulls named Gertrude and Heathcliff. To wit (literally):
Gertrude: “Look down there: It’s the ship of fools.”
Heathcliff: “How do you know it’s the ship of fools?”
Gertrude: “They’re looking up!”
*****
Heathcliff: “You know, I must flap my wings 40,000 times a day.”
Gertrude: “You’re putting me on!”
Heathcliff: “No, I’m not! I flap 40,000 times a day!”
Gertrude: “Well, wouldn’t it just be easier to buy some deodorant?”
*****
Heathcliff and Gertrude are flying along when all of a sudden a Navy jet goes zooming past.
Gertrude says to Heathcliff, “Good heavens! Did you see how fast that bird was going?”
Heathcliff replies, “So what? If your tail feathers were on fire, you’d be going that fast too!”
Joking aside, I am seriously concerned about our avian schnorrers. And why is the government not addressing this situation? All the food that farmers are throwing away could just as easily be tossed onto parking lots across the land.
On Sunday, I took advantage of the beautiful day to drive to Milford’s Gulf Beach. As I sat in the car admiring the view, I saw my two buddies Marcia and Fred standing on the seawall. Fortunately, I caught part of their conversation:
“Hey, Marcia, where do you want to go tonight for dinner? We were at Hammonasset last night, and Double Beach the day before that.”
“Does it matter, Fred? Look, I Iike sushi but having it every day is wearing a little thin for me.”
“Maybe we could go to Long Wharf and hang out near the food trucks.”
“Sure, Fred, along with a gazillion other birds.”
(Marcia sighing) “I guess we’re having sushi again, and of course without wasabi. But I’d kill for some day-old Big Mac …”
This week’s Street Advertising Smile:
