“It Never Hurts to Smile” by Mike Rosen

This Will Stimulate You!

By now, all of us should have received the third stimulus check, and perhaps you still have the money from the first two stimulus checks. Like so many others, you’re just not certain what to do with the money. Sure, it’s a temptation to spend it frivolously on some silliness such as rent, food, and utilities but, dang it, after the year we’ve just lived through don’t we deserve a treat? Of course we do. In fact, the government wants us to spend the cash in the retail world to help the economy. To which I say, yes!

But what to spend it on? Well, my friends, as a public service I will now suggest to you a half-dozen luxuries you didn’t even know you wanted; and I urge you to go out and scarf up some of these deals while they’re still available. Hold your gratitude–you may thank me later.

1. Are you feeling puckish for a good old-fashioned hamburger, and irritated at not being able to go to restaurants as you did pre-pandemic? I know I have been craving one. Never fear, for Fleur, the restaurant located in Las Vegas at the Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino, has opened its capitalist arms to your pleasure and offers the Fleurburger 5000. This gastronomic delight features a patty of Wagyu beef topped with several slices of seared foie gras and a pile of shaved black truffles that were sautéed in duck fat, served on a brioche bun. It is served with a bottle of 1995 Chateau Petrus and your luncheon will set you back a paltry $5,000. But wait, there’s more! Your wine will be served in an Ichendorf glass that you get to keep!

Even though this might sound a tad extravagant, keep in mind there’s a burger offered at a different location in Las Vegas that sells for $6,000. Available exclusively at the Palms Casino Resort, your six grand will get you a signature Carl’s Jr. Burger (yes, a fast-food sandwich that normally sells for about 6 bucks) paired with a 24-year-old French Bordeaux. No word on if you get to keep what the wine is served in—I trust, however, it isn’t a paper cup with a plastic lid and straw. If the cost seems a bit unreasonable, the rest of their menu at this location lists all of Carl Jr.’s burgers with suggested pairings of somewhat less-expensive wines. Did you honestly think a cheeseburger pairs with the same vintage Pouilly-Fuisse as a cheeseburger with bacon? Please, don’t be so provincial.

2. Are your tastes a tad more sophisticated for–oh, say–a quality Scotch whisky? If so, I’m your man with the plan. Get yourself a bottle of Isabella’s Islay Whisky and you’ll have a reportedly divine single malt cask whisky that will set you back a mere $6.2 million. It is ever so slightly possible that part of the price is due to the English Crystal decanter the drink comes in that has a layer of white gold and is encrusted with 8,500 diamonds and 300 magnificent rubies. Presentation, my friends, is everything, n’est-ce pas?

3.”But I just want to get away,” I hear you cry. Never fear for Mike has heard your plaintive plea and both understands and empathizes. But why spend a weekend at some chain motel with a barely edible complimentary breakfast, or some anonymous

Airbnb? For that matter, forget the Plaza or the Waldorf-Astoria, they’re just overrated glorified Motel 6’s–you deserve and can afford better!

Thanks to the government’s generosity, you have the money now so why not spend it at the extremely romantic Lover’s Deep Luxury Submarine, which has its port in St. Lucia. You will spend your stay cruising far below the surface, enjoying spectacular views of oceanic life, in suites that defy written description. Best yet, you can dock at almost any port in the world. You will enjoy all this for the low price of approximately $160,000 per person, per night.

4. Do you have any idea what time it is? You can tell me by glancing at your Graff Diamonds Hallucination wristwatch. This horological horror (I feel qualified to make that statement, having been in the jewelry business for a number of years and seen/sold more than my share of gaudy timepieces) is encrusted with 110 carats of naturally colored diamonds cut in a mixture of round, emerald-cut, heart-shaped, and marquise stones in what can be best described as a rainbow motif (although, frankly, I could offer a more accurate, but less-flattering description). Only $55 million, so you might have to pool your stimulus checks. Oh, one more thing; it isn’t available through Amazon Prime. But if you put it on your Discover card, just think of the points you’ll earn!

5. Did you just have a garlic-and-onion-infused lunch and the boss has demanded your immediate presence at a meeting? How will you ever cleanse your breath in time? No fears, my dears—just pop a piece of Mastik Gum into your mouth and the result will be minty-fresh breath in a matter of a moment. Each piece of the world’s most luxurious chewing gum is sugar free, containing neither aspartame nor sucralose, covered with edible 22 karat gold, and comes in an easy-to-carry 12-piece tin. At a mere $80 per tin, this item is well within your stimulus budget. Feeling better? Because your breath smells wonderful and rich.

6. Odds are either you own at least one pair of Bluetooth earpieces, or you know folks who do. Certainly, whether you are out for your daily constitutional, picking up groceries at the market, or on line for your cup of java, you’ll see a large number of people walking around with earbuds in place. Many of these devices look clumsy and the almost ubiquitous tiny, white Apple AirPods no longer enjoy being the quintessential design of the earbud-wearing world.

No, for that honor you need to purchase the top of the line from the good people at Happy Plugs. They employ Swedish goldsmiths who for only $14,500 will handcraft a pair of 18-carat solid gold Bluetooth earbuds for you that, according to a few reliable reviews I read, won’t do anything more than what the company’s $25 earbuds can do. Frankly, that isn’t true. The one thing they can and will do is make you cry copiously when you lose one while out jogging.

There you have it, my friends: six excellent ways to help stimulate the economy while indulging in a decadent pleasure or two. If none of these appealed to you and you’re still not certain what to do with the money, there’s always the mundane route to take. Put it in a retirement fund, donate to a worthwhile cause, replace those outdated windows you’ve been shivering in front of for five years, and so forth (yawn). Hey, come on, it’s your money; go crazy!

This week’s Street Advertising Smile:

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