The Greatest Inventions of All Time!
Instead of offering a light-hearted column this week designed to make you smile, I decided instead to present an educational piece. One that will make you pause and reflect on something you might have thought about at one time, and which I will now challenge. Simply stated, I offer to you my list of the ten most important inventions of all time. I suspect your list is somewhat different.
Now, you’re probably thinking that the wheel is a likely entry and the moveable-type printing press an absolute for being near the top of the list but, let’s face it, what contribution has the wheel really offered, and the moveable-type press was nothing more than an advanced Tinker Toy project. No, my friends, my list includes devices and concepts that truly revolutionized the world. Unfortunately, and I truly hate to disappoint any of you, some of the items on my list are no longer commercially available—undoubtedly the result of greedy one-percenters who then either abandoned the mass producing and marketing of these fine items or, more likely, were committed to asylums for the incredibly deranged.
And now, my list, in order from the least to the most meaningful, most memorable and, certainly, most important. Prepare to be educated, prepare to be amazed, prepare to scratch your head.
10. Honegar
Invented by DeForest Jarvis in 1931, Honegar is just what its name suggests it is: a mixture of honey and vinegar marketed as a beverage. Despite the fact that both honey and vinegar have a wide range of healthy antioxidants, the beverage failed to catch on with the public. Apparently, according to my excellent research skills, the taste was a tad off-putting. Clearly, Dr. Jarvis should have used more attractive packaging for his product.
9. The Shoe Umbrella
How many times have you dressed properly for a rainy day only to have your shoes ruined? I cannot count how often I have had this problem. It is absolutely essential that I protect my cordovan Santoni leather lace-ups (available on-line for about $3,500 a pair but, hey, shipping is free). Frankly, well, what’s a fella to do?
Enter the shoe umbrella. Currently available on-line, these umbrellas have the dual task of keeping your shoes dry in the rain while also allowing you to look perfectly ridiculous. What a bargain.
8. Radioactive Health Products
When radium was discovered in 1898, no one had a clear idea that it could be harmful. In fact and to the contrary, many scientists viewed radium as having health benefits. Which is why I find it odd that it took about 20 years for commercialism to step in and put radium into a wide variety of everyday products.
I hear you ask: “Such as?” A few to mention: Doramad Radioactive Toothpaste, Tho-Radia Lipstick (and a line of women’s cosmetics and creams), Burk & Braun Chocolate Bar (all but guaranteed to make one younger), and Radithor, which promised great relief from arthritis, rheumatism, mental illnesses, stomach cancer, and impotence. Speaking of the latter condition, Eben Beyers was a wealthy American industrialist in generally good health who wished to improve his “luck with the ladies,” so to speak. Believing the hype, he began ingesting Thor-radium Powder to the tune of 1,400 bottles. He stopped using the product when he became seriously ill in 1930 and his jaw had to be surgically removed. It was shortly after Beyers’ death in 1930 that the interest in radium-infused products kind of lost their allure to the public. Go figure.
7. The Anti-eating Face Mask
In 1982 when Lucy L. Barmby received her patent for this product she had no idea how popular it could be. OK, she did have an idea how popular it could be–the problem was that largely the public didn’t agree with her.
A cage covering the mouth and chin is attached to a ring that circles the face. The ring is connected to a strap that goes around the back of the head just above the ears while another goes from the top of the ring across the top of the head to connect with the back strap. The individual is then prevented from getting food to her/his mouth.
But couldn’t the wearer just lift the mask off and toss it aside? Nope. The straps are locked in place although the advertisement claims: “ … under emergency conditions, the strap may be cut and the face mask removed.” Seriously, though, who wouldn’t mind some slight inconvenience and a sartorial indiscretion to lose a few pounds?
6. The Goldfish Walker
A little more than a baker’s-dozen years ago, Mick Madden, a metal worker from Huddersfield, England (northeast of Manchester), solved a problem that had perplexed him for a very long time: how to get some fresh air for his beloved goldfish.
His solution was to invent a metal contraption that held the goldfish bowl in a suspended state so that it couldn’t tip over, connected to a handle. Mr. Madden proudly perambulated with his pet and set the world of ichthyology afire and delighted aquarists everywhere with the possibilities for goldfish lovers all over the globe. Salt-water fish enthusiasts, with their need for heated tanks, must wait for the Goldfish Walker to be made with electric capabilities.
5. The USB Pet Rock
Again, no, I am NOT making these up.
Those of us who can recall the ‘70s will certainly remember the pet rock. A wonderful, if somewhat emotionally distant, companion, its popularity ended not too long after it was introduced. Why did the popularity fade? Obviously, the pet rock was ahead of its time.
Which brings me to the USB Pet Rock. It’s the same not-quite-embracing pet as we’ve known but is now Internet-compatible. Just plug its attached USB cable into any open port and, Voila! It still does nothing! Selling on a German company’s Website for 14.95 Euros (about $18.16), regrettably, the USB Pet Rock is currently unavailable. One can only hope the factories are working overtime to get a supply to the market.
4.The DVD Rewinder
And yet another genius answer to the annoying question of how to rewind the movies and television shows on our DVDs.
Back in the ancient days of entertainment, there were business that rented shows on VHS tapes. A failure to rewind the tapes resulted in a financial penalty when they were returned. Can you imagine the nightmare of returning an un-rewound DVD?
I know, I know. You’re saying: “But Mike, DVDs don’t NEED rewinding!” Pish-posh! That statement alone will make you want to rush out to buy one. Imagine the delight on the faces of your friends and family when you connect this USB-attached device to your computer, insert a DVD, press the start button, and then watch the DVD spin in reverse while lights flash and a customizable rewind sound plays. Yet another vital need met.
3. The Car Exhaust Grill
This Iranian invention, which for all I know is still available there and needs to be provided to all of us, is a contraption that holds a single hamburger patty and connects to one’s car exhaust pipe. The heat from the pipe then cooks the burger, solving the age-old problem of how to be able to sit down to eat just as soon as one gets home.
One imagines further that a prodigious amount of ketchup and toppings are needed for the few of us who don’t savor the haute cuisine quality of gasoline-scented food. One final thought: I have it on good authority that these burgers pair well with a well-aged kerosene.
2. Diet Water
We began this column with a health food product and find another at the penultimate of this list. With diet water we see the solution to a problem no one knew they had: how not to gain weight from drinking water. After all, ordinary water is just chock-full of dangerous transfats, sugars, cholesterol, and calories, right?
Joking aside, how does this product even exist? Simply because no one, as H. L. Mencken once wrote: “has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.” The marketing of diet water states that each bottle contains a unique peptide that targets fat cells in the bloodstream. There is, to date, not one study that can back up this claim.
However, yours truly believes this product could work if one simply drinks a gallon every time one is puckish. The pounds may slide off in no time!
1. The Whoopee Cushion
The delight of male youths, as well as more than a few adult males and even some females (trust me, I could tell you stories), and the bane of existence of more than a few mothers, the Whoopee Cushion design we know was invented in 1930 by a Canadian novelty company and was based on a similar-looking device made from pig’s bladders. I know what you’re thinking: “Pig’s bladders?” Yup, for this early version was popularized by jesters in the middle ages. But the Whoopee Cushion is older than that and enjoys a somewhat royal tradition.
We find its origin somewhere around 218 CE when Caesar Marcus Aurelius Antonius Augustus (whew), also known as Elgabalus, became Emperor of Rome—and at age 14 the youngest person ever to rise to that position. Elgabalus was utterly delighted by the embarrassment displayed by any dinner guest who sat on his oddly shaped cushions that then created a borborygmus sound. A devoted prankster, who, frankly, was also a rather evil person, Elgabalus enjoyed his toy until his reign suddenly ended after four years when the Praetorian Guards mutinied and assassinated him. One wonders how many of those guards had sat on his cushion. Or, perhaps his mother encouraged them.
And that is my list. The wheel? The movable-type printing press? The steam engine? Penicillin? Come on, folks, all trinkets, at best.
This week’s Street Advertising Smile:
