Mike’s Modern Dictionary
Some of the various aspects of language have been discussed more than once in this series of columns. My fascination with words is at its nadir with the origin and evolution of them. For example, the English word “apron” derives from the Old French “naperon,” which meant the garment worn to protect the front of the body while one was cooking. Middle English speakers dropped the letter e and referred to the item as “a napron.” Over the next few hundred years folks stopped hearing the separation of the two words and a napron evolved to an apron. While it still means a garment that protects the front of the body while cooking (or cleaning, or doing foundry work, etc.), it now also refers to the entrance to one’s driveway, the part of a stage the audience sees while the curtains are closed, and the area in an airport in which an airplane is loaded with various goods. (Full disclosure: apron also has a somewhat less family-friendly meaning, but I’m not going to give it here.)
As I said, words fascinate me, and I’m intrigued as to how they morph with usage—sometimes for a brief period (for a very short time in the 1960’s the jazz scene took the word “uptight” to mean “excellent”), sometimes permanently (originally, “bully” was a sobriquet to refer to one’s sweetheart). Most of the time, I just accept new usage and move on because all too often the new usage fades relatively quickly as a generation matures (any of you boomers and older remember using the words “boss” and “groovy?”). But sometimes I experience that horripilation of angst when something just seems wrong to me. Case in point, the figurative use of the word “literally” has the effect on me that many experience as fingernails on a chalkboard.
So imagine my utter surprise and disappointment when, while listening to a podcast about English moderated by a group of lexicographers from highly respected dictionaries, they agreed that upcoming editions of their books would include literally as acceptable in the figurative sense. When I heard that I literally…well, you can imagine my reaction.
Therefore, inasmuch as words (and expressions) morph, I now offer a handful that I have found (and in a few instances humbly offer) that will soon appear in “Mike’s Modern Dictionary” (Fuller-Schmidt Press, publishing date TBA):
1. Applauding (verb): repeatedly high-fiving yourself for another person’s accomplishments.
2. Art appreciation/Music appreciation (noun): a college class in which the student learns what the instructor deems best while eschewing everything else.
3. Best Friends (plural noun): the people we can’t stay mad at for very long because they know too many of our secrets.
4. Calories (pl. noun): microscopic organisms that live in our closets and make our clothes tighter while we sleep.
5. Classic novel (noun): an important book everyone refers to but few have read and fewer have understood.
6. Conference call (noun): an event where everyone speaks, few listen, and afterwards no one can recall exactly what was said.
7. English (proper noun): a language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary.
8. Feet (pl. noun): appendages which, when unprotected, are designed for finding Legos and unpopped kernels of popcorn.
9. I’m fine (expression): if stated by a male to a female it means that he is fine, but if stated by a female to a male it can be a warning: “Get out of my face, NOW!”
10. Laziness (noun): taking a risk you’ll be dropping everything you’re carrying instead of making two trips.
11. Let’s table this (phrase): Please just end this meeting already, I’m falling asleep.
12. Mediation (noun): a process in which, when successful, a pie is cut into slices for all present, with everyone believing they received the largest slice.
13. Meeting (noun): an event where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
14. Multi-tasking (verb): a process by which one appears busy working on many things without ever seeming to complete anything.
15. Paradigm shift (noun): a garment that a particular group changes into when it isn’t quite certain what it should be wearing.
16. Pet (noun): the only member of your family you unconditionally like.
17. Relationship (noun): the ability to put up for a period of time with someone else’s flaws, ridiculous diet preferences, and general nonsense.
18. Smile (noun): an upward parabolic curve that can very often straighten or even reverse another’s downward parabolic curve.
19. Synonym (noun): a word one uses in place of the word one cannot remember or spell.
20. Thinking outside the box (modifier): a phrase intended to make an ordinary idea seem ingenious (see also, lipstick on a pig).
21. Tomorrow (noun): the best time to do everything you planned to accomplish today.
22. Uh-huh (exclamation): something one says periodically during a phone call when one is not paying attention.
23. Web MD (proper noun): an entity that turns a minor ache into a disease that will kill you in a day or two.
24. Zodiac sign (noun): the method by which many people justify bad habits and poor behavior without taking any responsibility for either.
25. Zoom (proper noun): at one time a verb used to describe extreme rapidity, it now refers to an encounter in which extreme rapidity is often severely reduced to a crawl because of varying ISP speeds, WiFi accessibility (due to location, poor equipment, or sun spots, to name but three), and repeated cries of “Turn off your mute!”
This week’s Street Advertising Smile:
